Easy Accessories: Mustache

21 Oct

You know what annoys me about men?

Don’t answer that, especially if you know me in real life. I’ll just go ahead and tell you.

Men have the ability (most of them) to grow any facial hair style they want. They have a constant accessory that regenerates itself on their own face. If I were a dude, I would be someone different with a mustache or beard every Halloween. No questions asked.

However, as a lady, I grow an annoying amount of peach fuzz which must be waxed off so that I can hopefully convince people to make out with me. Don’t get me wrong– I don’t actually wish I had a mustache. However, it leaves me with a Halloween conundrum. If I need a mustache for Halloween– like I do for my Freddy Mercury costume this year– I need to get one. And as you know, I’m adamantly against purchasing silly things like that from stores. For one thing, it creates unnecessary amounts of consumer waste, when there’s already too much.

Therefore, I created an easy DIY mustache that’s super customizable, quite durable, and ridiculously cheap! Enjoy!

Needed Supplies: Stuffed animal, scissors, eyelash glue.

STEP 1:

Buy a stuffed animal from a thrift store. The bigger, the better– because you can make a shit load of mustaches from even a small guy. I chose this little teddy, and then disinfected him with gusto:

This little buddy will easily yield 5 mustaches!

STEP 2:

Tear him apart. Get some scissors, or better yet, a seam ripper, and carefully undo his seams. Start by removing the head.

You won't feel right about this part.

Set the head aside and carefully undo all the body seams, pulling out the stuffing as soon as you can to make your work easier. When you’re finished, you’ll have this gruesome scene:

The carnage...

If you’re a dork like me, you might want to take this moment to trace all of his parts onto card stock so you’ll have a teddy bear pattern, if, you know, you ever just happen to need one.

STEP 3:

Cut out a mustache from one of those pieces. You can either draw a pattern on the unfuzzy side first, or just freeball it, like I did. Once you get it trimmed into a shape like you want, take a lighter and singe the edged to keep it from unravelling. This is ultra important. Because these cheap stuffed animals are made from synthetic fibers, they’ll melt nicely together and you won’t be snorting polyester fuzz all night. Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

STEP 4:

Apply eyelash glue to the back of your mustache.

Just like with eyelash application, you want to let the glue dry for about 30-45 seconds until it starts to get tacky. While you’re waiting on that, smear some glue on your upper lip as well.

That foxy depilatory look!

Once that sets for a few seconds as well, stick the mustache on and press until it stays.

I look so much like my dad, it's terrifying.

So for about $1, maybe less, you can easily make a billion mustaches. You’re welcome!

Sexy Original: Attack of the 50 Foot Woman

18 Oct

My friend Dale Mackey is a sexy lady. She’s also super busy. In addition to working a full-time job and having 2 kittens and a fiance to take care of, she manages a pretty popular blog, has her own DIY web-show, crafts up a storm for her own Etsy store, plays the ukelele, is a board member for the Knoxville Writers’ Guild, is planning her own wedding, and is friends with me (which is a hefty commitment in and of itself).

So when Dale asked for my help making a quick and easy costume on the cheap, I was very excited to oblige. We did a little brainstorming and I shared with her my idea for an Attack of the 50 Foot Woman costume, inspired by the classic giant radioactive monster B-movie which she loves:

What cup size is she, exactly?

The costume is super easy, with NO SEWING!! Seriously. None. Enjoy!

Needed Supplies: Women’s white button down stretch fabric shirt, white hippie skirt, green plastic army men, glue gun, clutch purse, safety pins, bobby pins, tape.

STEP 1: 

Find a white hippie skirt from a thrift store. It should be fairly easy since they were kinda trendy a few years ago. The key is finding one that has 2 layers– the pretty outside layer and the lining that tries its hardest but ultimately fails to disguise whatever color of panties you’re wearing. Once you get the right skirt, put it on upside down, gather the skirt up around your waist, and tie the outside layer to the lining layer. Use safety pins to create shape as necessary.

STEP 2:

Find a women’s white button down, hopefully made of stretch fabric. The stretch fabric will give it a more flattering shape against you, especially if you can find one that has darts sewn into the back. Put on a halter or strapless bra. Take the shirt, unbuttoned, and hold it in front of you as if you were about to put it on backwards. Now, tie the shirttails together around your waist as tight as you can. Then, take the sleeves and tie them around the back of your neck making it into a halter top. Tuck the collar and any extra fabric in to disguise it. You will have a lot of extra fabric at the neckline of your halter. Gather it all toward the base of what used to be the sleeves that are now actually straps and secure each with a safety pin. Pull the waistline up or down, depending on how much skin you feel like showing.

STEP 3:

Glue some green plastic army men onto your skirt and top in little lines, to give the illusion that you are a giant who is being climbed by tiny National Guardsmen.

STEP 4: 

Take an old clutch purse from a thrift store or your closet. Find some public domain classic car clipart like this and print it out on card stock:

Maybe color it blue, too.

Now, cut it out and tape it to your clutch. This way, you can functionally carry around a car all night AND have a purse.

STEP 5:

If you have naturally straight hair, curl it with a medium-barelled curling iron or with a roller set. If you have naturally curly or wavy hair, you’re good. Tease your hair over onto the left side of your head. Use a ton of hairspray. On the right side of your head, take the section of your hair from your part to your ear and pull it back, securing it with a few bobby pins. Tease your curls from the bottom up by holding the curl from the bottom and pressing up toward the roots with a rat tailed comb. Use a ton more hairspray.

STEP 6: 

Pin up girl makeup, which means a smooth face, pink blush on the apples of your cheeks, a vivid red lip, and contoured eyes with fake lashes. Tutorial coming soon. Then, sloppily brush bronzer on your face, shoulders, and cheeks to indicate that you are tan or dirty or radioactive or all three.

STEP 7: 

Destroy a small city. Pantyhose optional.

Photos by Shawn Poynter.

Don’t Buy That: Sexy Bunny

13 Oct

Question:

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Answer:

You ‘nique up on it!

More pressing question: 

Why would you waste $40-$170 on something that you will inevitably rip up and vomit on, when you can make your own for a fraction of that cost?

Please tell me these prices are a Halloween prank.

Every year at Halloween and whenever sororities do their date parties, the Playboy inspired Sexy Bunny costume rears it’s expensive, flimsily-eared head. And you know what? I dig it. I’m not a total hater. It’s a great costume that embodies the American ideal of sexiness and allows its wearer to feel classic while risque, playful while sultry, and definitely smokin’ fuckin’ hot. Who would pass that up?

Well, if you’re into originality at all, then probably you. Also, if you give a damn about how your money is spent, then probably also you. Or, if you’re not shaped like whatever bizarre 6 foot tall 12 year old girl that costume manufacturers use as a fitting model, then… well… you get the idea.

So, if you want to wear this costume and can’t find one that fits, or if you want to make this costume on the cheap, then please, please, PLEASE– don’t buy it.

Make it. Like this:

Needed Supplies: Easy Accessory Rabbit Ears & Tail, white button down shirt, black fabric, panty hose, black bathing suit or body suit, safety pins.

STEP 1:

Make these:

Click here for the tutorial!

STEP 2:

Get a white button down from a thrift store, any size, men’s or women’s. Tip: It’s easier of you get one that has button closure on the collar and cuffs. I discovered this when I unknowingly bought a shirt without buttons. It instead has trick buttons covering those little metal snap things. Super lame, but at least in keeping with the spirit of sluttiness because it was a shirt apparently made to be ripped off quickly. So, If you’re as unobservant as I am, you can make due with safety pins, which you need anyway. Here’s the buttonless wonder I bought:

$1.00, Habitat For Humanity Thrift

Take that shirt and cut off the collar and cuffs, keeping close to the outside of the seems as you cut.

STEP 3:

Take a strip of any kind of black fabric at all. This is the perfect use for any remnants of fabric from going all Flashdance on a black T, or for making a leftover ex’s shirt into something useful and cathartic. I took some fabric leftover from the cutting the sleeves off a thrifted dress to make it look like a real dress that a real person would actually wear. You just need a strip about as long as your collar, like so:

Now take the black fabric and tie it into a little black bow. When you put on the collar, safety pin the bow onto the front. Now put on the cuffs and button them. If they’re too loose for your wrists, use a safety pin to secure them.

STEP 4:

Put on your panty hose, with a line running up the bak if you can find them. If not, have a friend with a steady hand draw a line up the back of your leg with a sharpie. Or, if you’re lazy, skip it. Now, put on your black bathing suit or body suit. The important thing when selecting a this piece is to find something that fits you well. By not confining yourself to the costume section of Wal-Mart, you should be able to do ok. Here’s mine:

Lane Bryant, $95

Here’s where I may start to sound like a hypocrite: my bathing did 100% cost me $95. But, it’s my actual bathing suit and I went out of my way to pay good money for one that fits me well and actually provide support– which is very important. However, this is a costume and not swimming attire, so you can totally just wear a cheap bathing suit and a well-made black bra.

STEP 5:

Make your hair huge. Use a large barreled curling iron. Use a ton of hairspray. And tease it like a freshman frat boy. Then, put on your bunny ears!

STEP 6:

You want very 60’s makeup for this. I used a pale eye shadow with heavy black liner and false lashes, rose pink blush, and baby pink lipstick. With hair, makeup, and all of your accessories, you just need to slap on some slutty heels and you’re done!

Photo by Steph Untz

Now go find a grotto to hang out in with a tray of bourbon and you’re sure to make your parents proud!

Are you effing kidding me?

28 Sep

Is this really a Halloween costume? What awful, unimaginative child would want to be this? What dullard parent would ever consent?? The only way I would dress my kid in this would be if my gay son wanted the be Jackie O.

20110928-170843.jpg

Costume Advice: Finn from Adventure Time

8 Sep

Today I received this message via Facebook from my friend Danielle out in California:

My son wants to be Fin from Adventure Time for Halloween, can you help me, it looks pretty easy but that dog hat, I don’t know. I’m sure it’s stupid easy for you, right?

Now, I have never met her son, Moses, but after reviewing a few clips of this cartoon, he must be ridiculously awesome. Despite the fact that my website isn’t exactly child friendly (or won’t be, once I get a few of the slutty costumes posted), I can’t help but oblige when a very cool kid ventures into the realm of creative, homemade costumes and his very cool mother obliges. Here was my advice to Danielle in return:

Awww I’m flattered that you thought of me!! This should be a breeze, really. Find a white hoodie and a white stuffed dog or bear. Cut the ears off the animal and hot glue or hand sew them onto the hood. Not sure how cold or windy it is in your area on Halloween, but if it’s chilly, he could just wear the hoodie underneath a blue tshirt. If it’s too hot for that business, you could cut the sweatshirt so that it’s kind of like a dickie and he’ll just have the hood popping out. Otherwise, green backpack, blue tshirt, denim shorts, and white shoes. You’re good to go!🙂
Danielle, good luck with Moses’s costume! If this ends up being the costume he goes with, please send me some pics! Even if you don’t use my advice and find a better method, I’d love to show some original kids’ costuming ideas! And for anyone else needing costuming advice, feel free to email me at candyworn @ gmail.com!

 

Party Tag: Bunny Ears

22 Aug

A Drunk, August 2011

Took the bunny ears out for a spin at a friend’s birthday dance party this weekend. Originally worn to the shindig by a girl named Carly, they were passed around all night and this adorable stranger wound up wearing them for a good portion of the evening. All the more reason to make your own rather than pay money for them– Carly lost them after about 10 minutes on the dance floor.

If you know or are this stranger, tell him or yourself thanks from me!

Easy Accessories: Bunny Ears

17 Aug

Hey Easy Girl,

I know you’re planning on getting wasted in that Slutty Easter Bunny Costume, so why on earth would you spend a crap load of money on store-bought ears that you’re obviously going to lose and ruin way before you whisper/slur into a frat boy’s ear that you hid some eggs up your skirt and and you triple dare him to find them. Plus, have you seen store-bought ears? Def not sexy:

Really?

Lucky for you, there’s a super easy and insanely cheap way to make your own ears– and matching tail!— that will give you enough time to make all those Jiggler Egg Jello shots you love so much. Yum.

Needed Supplies: Stuffed Rabbit, Headband, Safety Pin, Scissors

STEP 1:

Go to a thrift store with a skeezy bin full of unloved, forgotten stuffed animals that probably belonged to children who have all died. I chose this little guy, and promptly Lysoled the shit out of him:

Goodwill, $0.99

I picked him because he’s not dingy and he didn’t creep me out too badly.  Most importantly  though, his ears have a flexible wire inside of them that allows them to be posed. This is very important. If you find a rabbit with a set of ears that you simply MUST have but are not posable, you can simply insert pipe cleaners into them later, and you’ll also need a glue gun. But with the posable ears, it’s so easy it’s ridiculous and I’m not doing a separate tutorial on that pipe cleaner crap. I know you won’t want to keep digging in the pile of misfit toys for long, but do it and you’ll find a suitable bunny. I swear.

STEP 2:

Cut his ears off. Yeah, if you thought you felt creepy digging through the pile of toys, you’ll feel really creepy bringing him home and doing this to him:

Don’t worry, he can’t feel it. Or can he?

Cut a wide circle around the outside of his ears, avoiding where they are actually sewn onto his head. When you’re finished you’ll have this horrible sight on your hands:

Oh God.

I know he’s a sad, terrifying thing to behold, but you can’t throw him away yet. Let’s move on to those ears!

Oh Yeah.

STEP 3:

Cut each ear out individually, trimming away as much of the excess fabric as possible without cutting the seam that keeps the ears actually sewed up. After each is trimmed up neat, simply take those hanging exposed wires and wrap them around a cheap stupid headband you bought at Walgreens in a pack of 3 for $3.49!

If you can’t wrap a wire around a headband, you’re already drunk.

Now, I’m not a fashion designer, but clearly we can see the superiority of my rabbit couture:

And obviously this shot took 389 takes.

STEP 4:

Remember cutting off those ears? Do the same with that poor rabbit’s tale. Cut his ass open or, in some stuffed rabbits, find the flimsy string that some kid in a sweat shop cheaply tacked it on with. Then, put a safety pin through it.

Like that.

Then, pin it to your fat ghetto booty, or ask your gay guy friend to do it for you. He’ll make sure it’s in the best spot to make you look good. And just like that…

You’re done bitch! Now go slut it up and be proud you didn’t waste money on that crap!

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